Rising Strong

I listened to a couple of podcasts from Dr. Brené Brown back in 2019. I was fascinated by her work and I could deeply relate to that as well. I also liked the fact that her work can apply to anyone including kids.

I got this book after listening to one of her podcasts from her when I was struggling to figure out what to do with my daughter with her violin lessons.

She was taking a group lesson where I felt she was ready to level up. The teacher thought the next level was quite a jump because those kids had learned at least a year more than my daughter and had been advancing faster. However, given my daughter's personality, the teacher thought it was worth a try. She could catch up with them. The teacher had faith in her, so did I.

My daughter and I both were excited for the first lesson in the new level. She was proud to be there. When the lesson started I could tell the other kids were pretty advance compared to her. My daughter also noticed that there was a big gap in between them. After the lesson, I told her the teacher and I had faith in her and that's why we decided to move her up. I told her to just do her best and then she would get to catch up with them.

The semester went through a bit more than halfway. I could see growing frustration over violin lessons in my daughter, and at the same time she was losing interest and losing confidence on playing violin. Taking her to the lessons started to be a drag.

One day, my daughter felt embarrassed in front of other classmates due to the lack of her practice. While playing together, some parts didn't sound right. That made the teacher ask the kids to play one kid at a time to get the part right. When her turn came, she was the one who kept making mistakes and she couldn't follow the speed nor play the correct notes. I could tell she was feeling shame and holding her tears. When her turn was over, she excused herself to use the bathroom and asked me to get her water, but in fact she went there to shed tears.

I followed her. She was in the bathroom with her eyes filled up with tears. She said she wanted to go home. She didn't want to stay anymore and didn't want anyone to see her tears. I told her that I understood that she was ashamed but if she left this way, she would feel awful later. She calmed herself down. She said she would finish the lesson and go home.

On our way back home, she said she didn't want to come to the lesson anymore. She said she was the worst player among them.

I didn't like her feeling crushed and inferior. I wanted to save her from her face down moment. It's an uncomfortable, painful and brutal feeling. However, I didn't want her to run away from the situation nor the truth. There will be the moment when she won't be the best but rather the worst. However, that won't matter as long as one is doing their own best to grow.

I asked how she would feel if she quit on that moment. She knew she wouldn't feel good, she wouldn't feel proud of herself. She decided to finish the semester. There were 2-3 lessons left followed by a recital.

She went through those classes and she made it to the recital. She was glad that she finished well.

What I noticed during her tough time was that she was vulnerable and she didn't like it. Also, she fell down emotionally and she wanted to get up quickly and walk away from the moment. She didn't like that facedown moment. It was painful.

It's so natural to avoid situations that make us to feel vulnerable and to run away from the facedown moment.

I considered being vulnerable was dangerous, and that feeling vulnerable was a weakness. I avoided it with my best and if I happened to feel it I felt stupid to let that situation happen.

After having my own kids, there have been many situations I would have reacted differently if I wouldn't have kids. I would've considered situations differently. After having kids, I want my kids to be happy within themselves and with others. I realized how little I knew myself to understand the dynamics in relationships, situations and learnings.

I started reading this book to help my kids rise strongly from any tough situations. It ended up giving me lots of questions and homeworks.

I put aside those vulnerable places because I considered them to be dangerous. It is where I fell face down and I didn't stay long enough to get through. It's still too painful just to think of it.

After reading this book, I started going back to those places that I'd been avoiding. I learned that I couldn't skip the pain. I won't be able to rise unless I go through those facedown moments. I have to be there with my eyes open to get a new perspective. I started to allow me to feel vulnerable. I learned that without vulnerability, I can't be brave, and without being brave, I can't live my life fully.

One of my attempts to show up and be vulnerable is creating this website. I'm visible here talking about my thought and opinions. I'm afraid to be judged from readers but I want to be brave and want to live the real life. I want to live with my best every time I can. I want to consider others will do the same. I want to feel everything without turning my face away from the truth and I want to try everything even though I may fall.

My husband shared what he recently read from the web somewhere, and the quote's source is unknown:

"The 18-40-60 Rule: When you're 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you; when you're 40, you don't give a darn what anybody thinks of you; when you're 60, you realize nobody's been thinking about you at all."

There are so many nice quotes in the book. I would like to share some that resonate with me the most.

• “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
• “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”
• “There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging pain, they’re inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they’re choosing to live disappointed. Emotional stoicism is not badassery. Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery. Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery.”
• “I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time. Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”
• “Steve said, “I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” His answer felt like truth to me. Not an easy truth, but truth.”
• “I assumed that people weren't doing their best so I judged them and constantly fought being disappointed, which was easier than setting boundaries. Boundaries are hard when you want to be liked and when you are a pleaser hellbent on being easy, fun, and flexible.”
• “The opposite of recognizing that we’re feeling something is denying our emotions. The opposite of being curious is disengaging. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.”
• “Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.”
• “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
• “We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”
• “MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE AND BROKENHEARTED There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers Than those of us who are willing to fall Because we have learned how to rise With skinned knees and bruised hearts; We choose owning our stories of struggle, Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending. When we deny our stories, they define us. When we run from struggle, we are never free. So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye. We will not be characters in our stories. Not villains, not victims, not even heroes. We are the authors of our lives. We write our own daring endings. We craft love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure. Showing up is our power. Story is our way home. Truth is our song. We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong.”